Poker and God (is it blasphemous to list God second?)

I once wrote a controversial play about the existence of God and as a result I was invited to Malloy College, a Jesuit school on Long Island to debate the existence of God with (like a bad joke) a Rabbi, a Priest and an Ethical Culturalist. I was last to make opening remarks and in part, these were mine:

"I’ve been invited here to debate the existence of God and I suppose I should begin by telling you my position. Without equivocation I am a believer, an agnostic and an atheist. When my colleagues introduced themselves and their positions they too were unequivocal – although admittedly they each took only one position. So why then do I take three? It’s because unlike my colleagues who failed to define God, I will. If God is love then I am a believer. Love indeed exists. But then God is not omnipotent because if he were then nobody who was loved would ever suffer. If God is nature then I am a believer. Nature indeed exists. But then God is not benevolent because nature strikes cruelly and indifferently. If God is a creator who is benevolent but not omnipotent then I am an agnostic. There is no conclusive evidence and I do not know if such a God exists. If God is a creator who is omnipotent but not benevolent then I am an agnostic. There is no conclusive evidence and I do not know if such a God exists. If God is a creator who is omnipotent and benevolent then I am an atheist. There is overwhelming evidence that such a God cannot exist."

From there the debate raged and at the end it seemed that half of the audience of 500lined up to tell me that they were going to pray for me.

As a devout poker player I recently wondered whether I could find God through poker. Is there a Poker God? What would his powers be? Would he ever be considered for the Justice League of America? Okay well he would have to be a cartoon Poker God for that to happen so let’s not muddy the waters with side issues. I had a mission. Is there a Poker God? But how does one go about seeking the answer? And then like a miracle it occurred to me - a miracle! Nobody can argue with a miracle and I had been running pretty unlucky anyway and so I began to pray “Oh Poker God if you exist show me a miracle. I play regularly in a casino. Let’s consider it hallowed ground and I will be there awaiting your sign.” And then I waited.

I waited for a long time. During that time I had pocket kings six times and each time someone else at the table had pocket aces and I lost. I think the odds of that happening are about 24 to 1 and it happened six times in a row. 24 to the 6th power = 19,110,297. Nineteen million to one is a pretty good sign. But I had to be sure so I continued to wait. And I flopped 31 flush draws and never hit one. I’m not a mathematician but the odds of hitting a flush are roughly 34% or 1 in 3. I would suspect the odds of missing 31 straight times is astronomical. I was starting to see a pattern and I continued to wait. And my opponents who were behind on the turn 17 times but could only win if they hit their flush (roughly 20% or 1 in 5) hit their flush all 17 times another astronomical number. Assuming the latter two situations are simply 1,000,000 to 1, then the combination of the three would mean that I was looking at 19 million x 1 million x 1 million which equals 19,000,000,000,000,000,000 or 19 quintillion. Since there are only 7.5 quintillion grains of sand on earth (you can google) I can only draw one conclusion from the hands I’ve played. – IT’S A MIRACLE! THERE IS INDEED A POKER GOD! yippee

By the way I complained because I raised on the button with AJ and the flop was JJK and someone had king jack costing me my stack, and one of the players who I shall call James (for those of you who know him) said “Gee Marv you must own a vineyard because of all the whine,” and I snapped back “I’ll bet you heard that joke from at least a dozen people” as everyone at the table chuckled. So don’t mess with me.